Breaking Point

...cornered with no way out,
what you take for granted is taken away,
I am here all alone, nothing I can do anymore.
This is a fight I cant win by myself,
cursed to rely on kindness of others,
its like being buried alive in plain sight,
everyone just turns away,
no one wants to help,
this is hell on earth to be poor
left with a life to be a beggar
with broken heart and soul, makes it worse,
having no chance at all
all I did was having to big of a heart,
my health is deteriorating even more,
having issues walking far
as my back hurts fast and my edema is still healing
Everything else just piles up, cant even feed myself,
 more issues and problems each day, no solutions to anything.

Please help
https://myechoingheart.blogspot.com/2018/05/please-help.html

Please Help

...wanting a fighting chance,
get back on my feet and start over,
build a home & have peace of mind.
Nothing more I can do but to pray and wait
so hard to try rely on others kindness alone...

My life is in shambles and rock bottom.
On top of already dealing with traumas
and long neverending unresolved issues and problems.
I sink further and further away from everything,
its my last outcry to get a footing and start over.
Due to a breakdown that lasted for years after a breakup,
tried suicide, broke my head and had a year of psychosis.
Manage by grace to pull myself out of it alone,
as a result Ive lost everything,
now standing in ruins all alone.

Now ready to startover but all is in ash,
not even plates to eat on
or for that matter nothing to even cook with.
All you take for granted I dont have anymore,
Got like pair of pants & one pair of shoes,
 no television not even a micro or vacuum cleaner.
As im on sick pension only covers rent and basics.
The swedish state + social well fair wont help.

Have now chronic depression,
general anxiety disorder and more,
that doctors say I just have to live with.
Working days are over,
the pension is just for the basics to live,
not enough to start a whole new life with and start over.
Also no credit score so I cant take any forms of loans,
cant take out any form of credit cards either.

Even over a year of hard daily gym workout is gone,
was at my peak body,
now my obesity comes back with vengeance.
As im giving up more and more
resulting  in suffering now also from edema
and backpains after just short walks,
getting sicker and sicker, just falling apart.

My 3 kids just have to see there father sink more and more.
Cant take them home or even do things with them anymore.
Ive tried it all, no way out as Im alone in this,
I was a good man and now
all just ending in either hospital, homeless or worse.

Always believe anything is possible,
Growing up, my imagination was my only escape to deal with my upbringing,
was the lonely kid who make-believe spaceships going on adventures alone.
Im an extreme over creative kind of person,
been dreaming and escaping my whole life,
When  home computers came took it to another level,
Been gaming for over 40+ years, been my escape and medecin.
Its all the social life I have left, youtube & streaming
only thing makes me want to get up in the morning.

Always been the over creative type,
one time even been lead level designer for a game.
Now its hard to put passion into anything,
cant keep up, its to many costs, specially starting over.
Trying to get back into TwitchTv / Youtube
but everything just falling apart.

Ive cornered myself into a situation out of my control,
Its why I ask so much to get help,
rebuild my home to have solid ground,
start over and get back being creative
follow my given passions and dreams,
but specially for my 3 kids
that now just see there dad fall trough the cracks

Please help,
even small donation gives hope & food for the day !

Sign
Erik Andersson, Sweden

Hello, Im Erik

...Hi, Im Erik born -69 in Sweden
To write all about me would take volumes,
been there done that, jack of all trades.
got 3 great kids living with there mother.

Done all from working with robotics, restaurant chef
to running an internet cafe and lead level designer for a game.
So many jack of all trades.
Speak Swedish, English and Spanish.
always been extreme creative sens birth
either imagine, dreaming, drawing & writing
Been anything from crafting to acting,
but mostly sens little, escaping into gaming due to traumas.

Latest project involved in before my life turned into ash
I was leading and teaching mentally handicapped to make
there own tv-show, was an 1 year EU project.

Now Im on sick pension, working days are over.
Battling chronic depression,
General anxiety disorder and dysthymia etc

Been here done this & that, all in the name of good !
Giving back to the community doing projects
like Free christmas dinner with entertainment,
feed like over 100 people. Also done
hours of volunteer work for women's groups and churches
Ironic Now when I need Help there is no one !

Usually Im a big goofball,
to kind for my own good,
mostly care more about others than myself,
one to many dreams, visions and ideas.
Over creative and extreme passionate.
Love to test new things and push the limits.

If it where not for gaming I wont be alive,
its been my escape and medecin to coop with life
where my doctors just tells me " have to live with it."
But now I cant keep up, to much costs.

Now cornered with no way out,
financial ruin and no future at all,
force to start from scratch, life in ruin
and have no way besides help from others,
this will only lead to hospital, homeless or worse.
all my time takes just to hold on, survive all alone.
Trying to restart my whole life under worst circumstances

I am a old school gamer, 40+ years,
my passions always been create creative content
even before internet even was thought of.
Its my greatest escape that I want to continue
the only thing that really keeps me want to get up in the morning.
But on sick pension hard to get the studio up and going...

X100 The Pain

...endless cycle of pain.
My hell began before I can even remember,
memories been erased and not my own,
growing up with one to many near deaths
felt like it was a daily thing,
the man in the mirror was not me,
Year after years stacking pain and trouble,
Bullied, Shunned, outcast and rejected in anything I ever did.
Arms wide open screaming for help, no one came.
My mother thought to be to kind would help and spoil me,
she refuses to seek help for my sake.
my dad was there but always a disappointment in his eyes,
just a person hanging around that would have nothing to do with me.
So have to endure trauma after trauma all alone,
escaping into worlds where no one can reach me,
Time & space bended to my will,
the universe and fantasy was my playgrounds,
angels and demons where my next of kin.
Ever night a tear, fear creeping up and have to escape into fantasies
all to find some kind of peace, so I can sleep.

this is just my teenage years,
ontop of that here comes the darkness of the world,
having a field day with my heart and soul.
Trying to stay alive alone, quick fixes just to not to explode.
Avalanche of beatings, one step ahead 3 backward,
emotional torture that would make any demon humble.
Just lets say, Im amazed Ive not dead yet.
Even after last relation I should not been breathing,
laying on the floor head cracked and unconscious.
A total psychosis, broken heart and soul.
Still blessed one step away from death,
against odd got up myself to carry on.

Now the drums thundering,
the war within escalates x100 the pain.
Trying to find myself, who am I ???
Finally standing up for myself, face the reality.
Sort out all the fallen pieces, make me whole again.
Now I see being a father of my own,
the damage doing to my own kids from a far
they have to see there dad brought to his knees,
in hell and cant escape, can not be the father he wants to be yet.
The past, present and the future has me in a deadlock
These are some of the crosses I wear,
tears into me every awaken moment,
a total war pushing me into a corner,
that was just the tip of the iceberg.

How can you cure a lifetime of pain ?

 

Endless Dreams

...war within rages on,
 fading away trough silver linings,
my strings never heard,
yet so intuned I can feel it.
like electricity surging trough my very being,
a heart pounding with endless dreams,
I can see things most people would not believe...

urk Im going very deep today,
just waiting for the end,
having my own Bladerunner moment in the rain.
I want to create worlds and experiences so badly,
but as my life turning more and more into dust,
my inner is in constant turmoil,
everything is taken of my hands,
cant get out of it myself.

All these new possibilities to be expressive
like for instance VR seems like a great platform
I would never have my hands on it.
Each day a new idea and dream overflow
my daily life, giving birth to a thousand more.

but Ive just have to sit here see my life run trough my fingers,
all them moments I could had made,
everything just lost in the rain as no one want to help me.

BatShit Crazy

Waiting for a better day
 that someone would care & #HelpMe
is driving me stir #batshit #crazy

Not only doing this for me you know...

end of me

...good man going trough hell,
thought something could heal these wounds,
pain is all I have left,
cursed are all your lias and games,
Guess I get comfort that a liar is always one,
in the end alone in her own web.
Worst part is they never see it, until its to late.
Im the only one who can say I did nothing wrong.
Dont think I can overcome,
I should had been dead,
smashing my head to oblivion,
laying uncunciouse for a day,
wanted to end it right there and then.
Yet like a puppet the woke me up again,
only to go trough this hell,
been several years now,
no one really can relate, Im alone
way back might take to long,
I might never love again,
I leave it up to fate, Im done....

The End Of this blog

IamOne

...bending the rules,
I can do anything,
time and space obeys me,
yet I cant save myself,
only to help others,
I keep running,
Trapped in my own mind,
a never ending circle,

must had fractured the universe,

responsible for billions of lives,
cursed to live forever in misery,
all because of something I have not done yet.
Its written on the walls,
resonating signs throughout time,
cant be argued,
My eye on the horizon
as ocean hits the shoreline,
everything is just wrong,
waiting for someone...